Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Sitting in Trees...a memoir of just listening.

I often think back to the days when I felt most spiritually connected to the universe.  It was the days I would seek solace in my tree.

Days of seeking peace and solutions to the craziness of my thoughts...hours trying to quiet the demonic voice calling for my demise...minutes at war with myself.  I have spent years searching for my place of "belonging" in this life...a place of feeling wanted...a place of serenity for my soul.  I struggle.  I forget that I am not alone in my quest.  My self-centered thinking leads me down a path of destruction and chaos; self-pity and fear.  To break free from the destructive thoughts I have to take action against them.

A facebook friend (spirit brother) posted something today that is so beautifully written....thank you so much for sharing your spiritual walk.  My reminder for today:
Encouraging everyone to Sit with a tree today , and connection with Air! Feel the Tree fill your lungs and Heart with Air, let the tree grow roots deep in your Soul. Then in return gift the Tree your Breathe. Life is like this, one cant be without the Other... ~ Matthew Rutledge

Thursday, March 8, 2012

BIGGEST LOOSER? - 6 lbs gone!

The home scale does not lie ~ I hope....I am down SIX (6) pounds in week one of exercise / diet...this gives me encouragement.  Wonder if I can go to my Dr. office and just ask to use their scale....to verify....it is one of those digital fancy ones.  I will have to check on that tomorrow.  I refuse to weigh myself daily...and to be honest, it was a thought this evening out of boredom....searching for something - anything - to do BESIDES what I really *need* to be doing....um, homework, laundry, dishes, general housework....ya, so let's go weigh-in.  LOL

This week has been hard...my mental commitment to this completely sucks.  It did not help that my son made a chocolate birthday cake for his dad and there was some left here that spoke to me...it just had to be consumed...on two different occasions...ugh...I am weak!  Although, I should probably hi-five myself as I have managed to make it an entire week without any kind of fastfood.  Baby steps!  lol.

I have a 1500 cal daily diet goal....I have blown it every day - it was the chocolate cake....oh...and some orange sherbet...lol....but I have managed to stay below 2000cal per day...so that IS a success.  Anyway...6 lbs gone....I am good with that for tonight.  :)

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

I made a decision as of March 1st ~ no more....no more of "this" April. I am so tired of feeling bad....out of breath, out of shape and overweight.  I have really packed on the pounds and got so unhealthy.  I have always "weighed" heavy...meaning....one of my nick names affectionately called to me by some family was "lead butt".  I have always heard, "you don't look that heavy" ~ which I guess is a good thing...but I have always FELT heavy.  I currently weigh more now that I did being 9 months pregnant with either one of my children ~ are you kidding me?! (no...I am not!)

Last week, I weighed 196lbs at the Doctors office.  Due to the "lead butt" syndrome, I have never really kept track of my weight by actually getting on a scale  but rather went by how my clothes fit.  I can tell you they are all fitting tight now...actually, I did break down and buy a few larger sizes - for comfort.  So, I never thought that I would have such a problem with my weight and how hard it is to get motivated.  My knees hurt, my back aches, my shins ache, and i get winded and light-headed fairly easy...I am in a sad, sad state of unhealthiness.  NO MORE!  I am moving beyond this.

I am just about mortified at the state of my physical condition.  Where did the uber competitive, soccer kicking ~ basketball pounding ~ volleyball spiking chick go?! How easy it has been since starting back to college to just "sit".  Life happened and I got caught up in the Arbys fast lane...along with McDs....Subway...Pizza Hut....Wheat State....Jimmy Johns....Braums....dang the fast food!!  It is like I have been in a coma.  It was only 5 years ago ~ wow it has been 5 years....that I was in pretty damn good condition - physically.  I had quit smoking and was walk/jog 6 miles a day.  Mentally was an entirely different story - HA!  I guess the milestones add up and can slip away if I am not mindful.

Two of my major milestones still worth celebrating:  March 16th will mark 13 years of alcohol/drug free life. & July 30th will be 5 years of cigarette smoke-free living.  NOW....I am going to get with the fitness and nutrition program.  I am going to lose this spare tire and get in better physical condition.  I will be tracking my progress and using the *free* website sparkpeople.com for this journey ~ wanna join me?  :)   I need an accountability partner.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Moving into a new realm...

I attempted to take what I learned over the past few years of self-reflection in regards to relationships and actually date someone.  The past couple of months I dated one man, and although it has just ended, I sit here now all the better for stepping out into the unknown and allowing myself to get to know someone else outside of my circle.

The lessons I learned from this experience have been good.  I know more about myself and have more insight into the man that will one day receive my love...I have not lost hope that there is mate for me.  As I have been attempting to get things back in perspective today, I have a new revelation...I am okay to not be in a relationship with a man.  I have many things yet to accomplish within myself...my journey of self-discovery has not ended, only just begun.  My creator will present the opportunity and awareness.  Until that time comes, I will give thanks for all that I am and for all the blessings I have been given to walk this earth and live in peace.

Friday, June 24, 2011

2011 Dating....is this really what its about?

Perusing the singles ads online...I got to wondering what the heck these guys are thinking by naming themselves these names.  For the love of...please...if you are seriously trying to attract someone to look at your profile...do NOT use the following:

1hairyone ... yikes...don't think so..i have seen enough of those
gentle-honestman ...really?  your picture looks like the dtk guy
greatwhitehunt ... great white what?

okay...so..hmm...wonder what you all are after..guess you are upfront about it but geez.

singledog...not too attractive to reference a canine..what the heck is a milkdog anyway?

mrlittlefun ... not to excited about anything...little or little fun.
udawoman ... i am thank you...keep walking
ineedalady ...i think you might need more than that!
wounded4 ...hmm...guess a good codependent would love this one
tilltheend4 ...already had my fill of stalker types...thanks.

 I guess my "handle" might not be too appropriate either...snglmomlooking4newdad
hahaha...just kidding!!  Or wait..how about princswarriorlookingforhero ...maybe that one would work. I am not sure the type of guy I want is possibly going to be found on the internet...I don't have high expectations really...or do I ?  Well...maybe.  I know there are some good guys out there...just not available ones that I know of.  So...I will keep moving forward and trust that my future mate is doing the same.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

European Dream

Today my oldest child left for Europe for three weeks.  I am so happy and grateful for her to have the opportunity to travel there and experience the world.  My daughter is an amazing spirit...I love her more than myself.  Her group will be traveling from KC to Chicago to London England....Paris France and final stop, Adelboden Switzerland.  You can follow the trip at her GS leaders page summeyfamily.blogspot.com .

As I sit here this morning...reflecting on all that it took to get to this place today...I cannot help but to feel so much gratitude and joy.  All the struggles, fights and tears...the ability to let go and allow my daughter to become her own person...to realize that as a parent I will always make mistakes.  I try to always express with words how much I love my children but with my actions as well. 

As I gave my daughter a hug and kiss I prayed a small prayer for her protection...knowing that all will be as it should no matter how I feel about it.  I turned and walked away...not looking back...letting the little girl go...knowing she will come home a traveled young woman.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Giving this a whirl...

I have tried blogging before...decided at one point that it was my "thing"...then had the thought that maybe no one else really cared...so I quit.  Several years later, here I am...starting another blog after reading one of my friends blog.  I really appreciate reading her blogs and I know from experience, writing them was very therapeutic for me as well.  Any benefit to another person that reads my blog is merely a bonus on top of the iced cake...right?!  So...here I go...I will commit to this at least once a week.  We will see where my mind wanders.  =)