Sitting in Trees...a memoir of just listening.

I often think back to the days when I felt most spiritually connected to the universe.  It was the days I would seek solace in my tree.

Days of seeking peace and solutions to the craziness of my thoughts...hours trying to quiet the demonic voice calling for my demise...minutes at war with myself.  I have spent years searching for my place of "belonging" in this life...a place of feeling wanted...a place of serenity for my soul.  I struggle.  I forget that I am not alone in my quest.  My self-centered thinking leads me down a path of destruction and chaos; self-pity and fear.  To break free from the destructive thoughts I have to take action against them.

A facebook friend (spirit brother) posted something today that is so beautifully written....thank you so much for sharing your spiritual walk.  My reminder for today:

Encouraging everyone to Sit with a tree today , and connection with Air! Feel the Tree fill your lungs and Heart with Air, let the tree grow roots deep in your Soul. Then in return gift the Tree your Breathe. Life is like this, one cant be without the Other... ~ Matthew Rutledge

BIGGEST LOOSER? - 6 lbs gone!

The home scale does not lie ~ I hope....I am down SIX (6) pounds in week one of exercise / diet...this gives me encouragement.  Wonder if I can go to my Dr. office and just ask to use their scale....to verify....it is one of those digital fancy ones.  I will have to check on that tomorrow.  I refuse to weigh myself daily...and to be honest, it was a thought this evening out of boredom....searching for something - anything - to do BESIDES what I really *need* to be doing....um, homework, laundry, dishes, general housework....ya, so let's go weigh-in.  LOL

This week has been hard...my mental commitment to this completely sucks.  It did not help that my son made a chocolate birthday cake for his dad and there was some left here that spoke to me...it just had to be consumed...on two different occasions...ugh...I am weak!  Although, I should probably hi-five myself as I have managed to make it an entire week without any kind of fastfood.  Baby steps!  lol.

I have a 1500 cal daily diet goal....I have blown it every day - it was the chocolate cake....oh...and some orange sherbet...lol....but I have managed to stay below 2000cal per day...so that IS a success.  Anyway...6 lbs gone....I am good with that for tonight.  :)

I made a decision as of March 1st ~ no more....no more of "this" April. I am so tired of feeling bad....out of breath, out of shape and overweight.  I have really packed on the pounds and got so unhealthy.  I have always "weighed" heavy...meaning....one of my nick names affectionately called to me by some family was "lead butt".  I have always heard, "you don't look that heavy" ~ which I guess is a good thing...but I have always FELT heavy.  I currently weigh more now that I did being 9 months pregnant with either one of my children ~ are you kidding me?! (no...I am not!)

Last week, I weighed 196lbs at the Doctors office.  Due to the "lead butt" syndrome, I have never really kept track of my weight by actually getting on a scale  but rather went by how my clothes fit.  I can tell you they are all fitting tight now...actually, I did break down and buy a few larger sizes - for comfort.  So, I never thought that I would have such a problem with my weight and how hard it is to get motivated.  My knees hurt, my back aches, my shins ache, and i get winded and light-headed fairly easy...I am in a sad, sad state of unhealthiness.  NO MORE!  I am moving beyond this.

I am just about mortified at the state of my physical condition.  Where did the uber competitive, soccer kicking ~ basketball pounding ~ volleyball spiking chick go?! How easy it has been since starting back to college to just "sit".  Life happened and I got caught up in the Arbys fast lane...along with McDs....Subway...Pizza Hut....Wheat State....Jimmy Johns....Braums....dang the fast food!!  It is like I have been in a coma.  It was only 5 years ago ~ wow it has been 5 years....that I was in pretty damn good condition - physically.  I had quit smoking and was walk/jog 6 miles a day.  Mentally was an entirely different story - HA!  I guess the milestones add up and can slip away if I am not mindful.

Two of my major milestones still worth celebrating:  March 16th will mark 13 years of alcohol/drug free life. & July 30th will be 5 years of cigarette smoke-free living.  NOW....I am going to get with the fitness and nutrition program.  I am going to lose this spare tire and get in better physical condition.  I will be tracking my progress and using the *free* website sparkpeople.com for this journey ~ wanna join me?  :)   I need an accountability partner.
A